Pondering Asexuality and Living Arrangements

Often when I think about being asexual, there’s a sense of present timing involved. About my life now, feeling comfortable in my own skin, figuring out what sorts of connections I make to people and what sorts of relationships work for me at this point in time.

Lately my thoughts have been more future-oriented. In some conversations with friends I’ve had in the last few months I’ve realised that most see themselves as eventually “settling down” with a partner, and probably having children. Some already live with long-term partners, some already have children.

I don’t know if that model is ever going to work for me. I don’t see romantic partners in my future, or marriage, or children. I often joke about how I’m going to live as a crazy old professor with a house full of books and a cat or two. But I’m not actually sure that I want to live completely on my own in the long term.

Share housing, which I’ve been doing for the last two years, definitely has its perks. It means cheap rent, and there are always people around. It has its downsides as well – there are always people around, and all the space you have has to be negotiated so that everyone is happy. In that sense, I’d love to have a place all to myself, so I can run around without clothes on in summer, enjoy the peace, play loud music and not annoy anyone.

But there are also reasons I wouldn’t want to live alone. I grew up in the country with a huge garden, chickens, guinea pigs, veggie gardens, and I’d love to have all those things again one day. But they take lots of work and time which I don’t know I’ll have if it’s just me. Even just in the house, there are dishes to be washed, bins to be emptied, floors to be cleaned. Not to sound like I’m lazy, but running a household on your own is a lot of work. (Kudos to people who take care of everything and the kids while they and their partner work!)

And then there’s companionship, I guess. Coming home and having someone there to say hi to you and ask you how your day was. Curling up on the sofa next to someone and watching a movie at the end of a long day. Having close relationships with people who you see all the time, but don’t share a bed with. I’d like to have some of those things, but I’m not sure there’s going to be anyone who wants the same model of living as me.

There’s really not that much choice in models of living. You live completely on your own, or with a partner and/or kids. Very few people end up share-housing arrangements past university, or when they get out of their twenties. Maybe asexual people who have romantic partners don’t find this such an issue. But I really feel at a loss sometimes thinking about how I’m going to be living in the future, when I’m established in my career and earning enough money to get my own place.

I do like the idea of smaller housing communities. Three houses with a shared backyard and veggie patch, inhabited by close friends, where you can become part of a family even though you don’t actually live in the same building, and share some aspects of everyday life but still stay independent. I’m just not sure how feasible that idea is.

Where are all the options for non-partnered living?

9 thoughts on “Pondering Asexuality and Living Arrangements

  1. If I was an asexual academic I would aim to be granted rooms at a university like they do in Oxford etc. Then I’d be living among people like me and studying/teaching. Perfect – small rooms on beautiful campus with catering and like-minds.

    Perhaps in my next lifetime. Ten years from now I will probably still live here in this house (as long as CSG is stopped) with two children and hopefully still have a husband (the perils of modern relationships).

    Hmmm, I’ll have to think more about it. Things could change completely, who knows.

    1. I imagine the community would be nice, but I’d definitely want my own space somehow, and a garden, and to be able to cook my own food… 😛

      I very much hope that CSG doesn’t take hold in the Northern Rivers! (Or anywhere, for that matter.)

  2. I ponder over this same problem as well. It’s especially difficult when you’re younger because living with friends SEEMS like a possibility, but even if you have friends who never get married, or who would be interested in being roommates, at some point most people have to move based on a job or family or whatnot. And finding roommates is so difficult, and you’ve never *quite* sure they’re not secretly crazy… I guess maybe we asexuals have to stick together? Maybe there could be an asexual housing site, like all those asexual dating sites (which are admittedly rather… sad. XD)

  3. I’m hoping for something like this 🙂 A big chosen family who live and commit with each other. I’m actually reading up on poly literature for ideas of how this might work.

  4. I’m living with three other women who I chose very carefully. We bought a house together and have formed a small, feminist commune with the purpose of living in a supportive family environment and having access to nice things it’s hard to have on your own. It’s important to us to have companionship and care in our lives and we’re making sure it’s present.

    It took us 2.5 years between me proposing it and scouting possible members to us moving in and we had a year of house-hunting and a lot of discussing how we wanted to live before we finally committed. We’ve got a clearly defined financial structure with a lot of leeway for individual contributions to be re-negotiated as our situations change, and we have clearly defined entry / exit strategies.

    So far I’m very happy and I have that couch companionship you mentioned. I also get fed when I’m sick, picked up from airports, nudged if I oversleep my alarm and asked how my day was … it’s working for us.

    1. That sounds really lovely Maia! Maybe there is hope for something similar for me one day. It really does sound perfect, you must have put a lot of work into everything too.

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