Is ‘lack of sexual attraction’ the best way of describing asexuality?

This is possibly a bit of a contentious topic, but I have been wondering for a long time whether describing asexuality as ‘a lack of sexual attraction’ is the most effective way of communicating what it’s all about – especially to the broader, non-asexual population.

I’m just testing the waters a bit here – I have been meaning to write a longer series on how we talk about sexual attraction in the ace community for a while now, but haven’t quite gotten to where I want to be with it yet. So these are just some thoughts that come to mind, rather than a definitive argument or anything like that. I’d be interested in hearing other people’s comments and thoughts in response.

The thing about ‘sexual attraction’ is that it’s a nebulous thing, that defies definition even for a lot of allosexual people (who you think would be experts on it, but who most of the time have just as little idea of what it actually entails as we do) … More Is ‘lack of sexual attraction’ the best way of describing asexuality?

On Coming Out as Asexual at Work (or not)

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently is the whole coming out process. It makes sense, really – I’m at the start of my third week in a new graduate job – my first post-uni, adult, office job (definitely wasn’t expecting to be here so soon).

I haven’t had to think much about coming out in a long time, since I discovered asexuality. In my uni years, I was openly out to just about everyone except my lecturers (well, except for that one lecturer who I realised was part of the Ally training event I was part of the student panel for about halfway through introducing myself. But that obviously went well), and if someone ever gave me crap (which happened very rarely), it wasn’t very hard to just avoid them entirely. I was part of the uni’s queer and women’s collectives, I ran a couple of workshops on asexuality. Most of the time, being out was never an issue, and I never really considered not being out.

I’m feeling a bit differently about this job, which, to be honest, I’m a bit surprised by … More On Coming Out as Asexual at Work (or not)

Asexuality and the Relationship Escalator

Written for the January 2016 Carnival of Aces, on the theme of ‘relationship stages.’

One of the concepts that I often use or reference when writing about asexuality and relationships is the relationship escalator. It’s a concept that I’ve mainly seen explained in relation to polyamory, specifically in this post on SoloPoly and a follow-on book project on unconventional relationships. (I’ll be referencing these resources quite extensively in this post.) However, there doesn’t seem to be any comprehensive overview of the relationship escalator as it relates to asexuality.* This post is therefore intended as a resource which explains what the relationship escalator is, and how it intersects with asexual and ace-spectrum people. As such, it will be open for revision and addition – let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see added or changed.

What is the relationship escalator?

At its core, the relationship escalator refers to the set of societal expectations around relationships and how they should be ‘properly’ conducted. It’s the default view of how relationships ‘should’ work, from how they develop to what they involve. It’s what we grow up thinking is ‘normal’ and ‘expected’ in a relationship. More importantly, it’s also a way of determining whether that relationship is serious or significant … More Asexuality and the Relationship Escalator

Things I Wish I’d Known About Being an Aromantic Ace in a Relationship

It’ll be different to everything you imagined growing up – especially given that you’ve never been in a relationship before. It will even be different to everything you’ve learned by talking to other people in relationships. Loving another person isn’t anything like it is in the movies – it’s quieter and deeper and stronger, and you haven’t experienced anything quite like it before. You might not always know exactly what sets this person apart from everyone else, this relationship apart from the other important relationships in your life. But you know, instinctively, that this is a person you’re in love with, who makes you feel things you didn’t think you ever could or would … More Things I Wish I’d Known About Being an Aromantic Ace in a Relationship

A Masterlist of Writing on Asexuality

I’ve been looking back at some of the things I’ve posted on this blog about asexuality over the last week, and I’ve realised that there’s actually a lot more there than I thought there was. Which feels pretty good, to be honest, because over the past year I’ve not exactly felt the most confident in my asexuality-writing endeavours. This is possibly a side-effect of being an Honours student, and spending every bit of my reading and writing energy on my thesis. And probably some other things as well.

But, the thesis is now done and dusted, and seeing as I’m trying to tidy up the blog a bit, I thought I’d make a masterlist of all the things I’ve written over the past four years. Eventually I want to include this on the asexuality resource page I’m working on (just for this blog, nothing fancy). In the meantime, I thought I’d post it here as a reference for anyone who might be interested … More A Masterlist of Writing on Asexuality

Carnival of Aces: September 2015

Welcome to the round-up for the September Carnival of Aces! This month’s theme was ‘living asexuality,’ and there were some really great submissions. A big thank you to everyone who wrote something for the carnival – it’s been really lovely reading about all your different experiences. luvtheheaven writes on Non-Libidoism and Asexuality (aka: I have … More Carnival of Aces: September 2015